A DIVINE PERFORMANCE REVIEW:" WHEN GOD & JESUS START A PODCAST"

SCREECHING, SCRATCHING, UN-SONOROUS, SOUNDS FROM THE HEAVENS!

A DIVINE PERFORMANCE REVIEW: WHEN GOD & JESUS START A PODCAST

(By Greg Lanman — The Trajectory)

In the beginning, there was the Word…
and unfortunately, the Word was off‑key.

Somewhere in the celestial break room — between the vending machine that only dispenses expired manna and the whiteboard labeled “Miracles TBD” — two self‑appointed deities decided to start a podcast.

They call themselves “God” and “Jesus.”
Not the originals.
Not the classics.
Just two dudes with Wi‑Fi, a ring light, and a karaoke machine that should’ve been left in the ark.

Every episode begins the same way: God: “Welcome back, mortals.”
Jesus: “Smash that like button for salvation.”

And then…
then came the karaoke.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like if a thunderstorm tried to sing reggae, wonder no more. His rendition of “I Shot the Sheriff” was so flat it could’ve been used as a carpenter’s tool in Nazareth.

As a musician myself, I tried to help.
I typed the most merciful feedback I could muster:

“Keep your day job.”

A gentle nudge.
A loving correction.
A melodic mercy killing.

But instead of gratitude, the heavens opened and the host delivered a divine proclamation:

“F*** YOU.”

Ah yes.
The sacred language of insecure creators everywhere.

And lo, the disciples followed — sending emails so unhinged they should’ve come with a wellness check. Threats, rage, holy fury… all because someone dared to suggest that maybe, just maybe, karaoke isn’t their spiritual gift.

If this is the kingdom, then the kingdom needs auto-tune and a new H.R.Department. lol

THE CELESTIAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW!

1. Vocal Ability
Rating: 0/10
Comments: Even the burning bush would ask for earplugs.

2. Professionalism
Rating: “F*** You” out of 5
Comments: Telling paying subscribers to go to hell is not a growth strategy.

3. Handling Criticism
Rating: Fragile
Comments: Turns water into wine but can’t turn feedback into improvement.

4. Community Management
Rating: Threatening fan mail
Comments: When your followers act like angry cherubs with Wi‑Fi, it might be time for a sermon on the mount about boundaries.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF NOT SUCKING AT KARAOKE

1. Thou shalt know thy key.

2. Thou shalt not murder reggae classics.

3. Thou shalt not confuse confidence with competence.

4. Thou shalt not curse at thy subscribers.

5. Thou shalt not weaponize thy fanbase.

6. Thou shalt not pretend pitch correction is a miracle.

7. Thou shalt not call thyself God unless thou can actually sing.

8. Thou shalt not take criticism as crucifixion.

9. Thou shalt not threaten those who say, “you suck.”

10. Thou shalt practice. FINAL BLESSING

    If the real God is watching, He’s probably shaking His head like:

    “I gave you free will, not free karaoke.”

    Amen.
    And pass the earplugs, PLEASE!

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